Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

My goodness ladies, you're an unhopeful lot at the moment! We need an optimism injection!
Here is my latest email:

"Dearest Wendy,

Long time reader, first time writer -

I am loosing faith in the male species. I used to be fairly optimistic about Love etc however over the last 6 months I am quickly being driven crazy by the men in my life. It seems that there are only 2 kinds around. The ones who would be perfect (funny, charming, easy to talk to, great and comfortable to be around) if it weren't for their girlfriends (obviously I have morals so I leave them well alone!) or the second kind who all seem to be one particular nationality and cause me nothing but sleepless nights (not for the good reason :P) and seem to bring out the worst in me....My main problem is I need faith that there are men out there who are both single and dont fall into the "dickhead" catagory.
Do they exist Wendy? Where do I find them? Will I find one (or am I just a magnet for the wrong ones ) ? Should I give in now to the fact I may become a crazy old spinster living in a house filled with birds (I am not a fan of cats) wearing some sort of hat covered in fruit?

Help Me Wendy, or give me some sort of optimism!
From
Spinster in training."

 

Dear Crazy Bird Lady,

 

Oh dear, you're right aren't you? I mean, you've heard the sayings -

 

"Men are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the rest are disabled (or too small)"

"Of all the attractive, intelligent, funny, caring men out there, half of them are married and the rest already have boyfriends."

Or my personal favourite -

"Men are like public toilets, if they're not taken, it's because they're full of shit."

 

But listen, and pay attention, because I'm about to say something controversial. These sayings are not true.

 

To begin with, there aren't "good men" and "bad men", no more than there ware "good people" and "bad people". Well, I take that back, there are plenty of bad men out there - Hitler for example, or Saddam Hussein. On the good men list you can find people like Ghandi or Bono. (That is a hilarious joke by the way) But the majority of men, and people in general, fall into the middley grey area. Sometimes we are good, sometimes we are not so good. We all get angry, we all laugh, we all lavish attention on the ones who we love, and we all make mistakes.

 

And the way we act often depends on the people we're with. Certain people make us act loud and outrageous, others make us want to have quiet nights in, some people make us angry, some people make us happy... And some people bring out the best or worst in us - like you said.

 

I am of the firm opinion that people change. A man can be a class A tool, but if he meets the right girl, he can become a perfect boyfriend. I've seen it happen! My point is, that when a man is with the right woman, he seems perfect, because she brings out the best in him. He does good things, because he wants to make her happy. And it's the same the other way round! If you love someone, you're the best version of yourself with them.

 

So, again, somewhat controversially, if a guy who has a reputation for being a dickhead starts to show an interest, I say don't dismiss him immediately. Of course, if he then proves his reputation for dickheadery, please head for the nearest emergency exit. But if he treats you well, remember a leopard can change his spots!

 

A very good example: You know Greg? Our hero? That guy who wrote those amazing books? He admits that he did terrible things, like disappear, or not call, or treat girls badly. But when he met his wife, he stopped being a jackass, and became the man we know and love.

 

So, what is my optimism for you today? The world is full of good men, or at least men who are better than Hitler. They are all full of the potential not to be idiots, as long as you don't let them be idiots towards you! And one day, I fully believe (as previously mentioned in yesterday's post) that the law of averages dictates that you will find someone who brings out the very best in you. And likewise, you will bring out the very best in him - and people will point at the two of you and say "I wish I had a boyfriend like that! All the good men are taken!! Whyyyy?".

 

So please, put down the fruity hat. It doesn't suit you.

 

With love,

 

A Slightly Rambling Wendy.

 

It just occurs to me that my response maybe doesn't actually answer your question! What do you think crazy bird lady? Feel free to email and demand a more concise report! wendytellsitlikeitis@hotmail.co.uk

A Watched Pot Never Boils

"Oi! Wendy!

Why is it that the blokes I fancy never fancy me back?
And the only ones who fancy me are massive pricks or have faces like the back end of a bus?
Hmmmm?
How's that for a bloody pain in the arse problem?!

Hey? HEY?
Yeah! Put that in your problem pipe and smoke it, you big mouthed amphibian!

From,
'I'm not desperate - nor have I just had 3 bottles of coke. I just like talking like this sometimes... *cough*'"

Hello Miss I'm Not Desperate (Honest).

Ok, first, I think we're going to have to calm down! Because, let's face it darling, you're going to have a hard time convincing blokes to fancy you if you appear mentally deranged.

But you're right. It's ALWAYS the problem. Sally likes Mike, who likes Lisa, who likes Adrian, who likes Mary, who likes Paul, who likes Sally. And no one ends up together! I honestly don't know why the world is like that, I have no answer for that. But that's the way it is.

But occasionally, occasionally, it all works out. A guy sees a girl in a crowd, and for reasons that the best scientists have no explaniation for, he thinks, I want that one. And the girl looks back and thinks, yes, that's the guy for me. Sometimes no one else can see why she chooses him, or he chooses her, but that's just one of the mysteries of life!

And here's the thing. It doesn't have to happen all that often. People aren't mutually attracted all the time. Otherwise we'd have a terrible time trying to live our lives, we'd be off dating constantly! It only needs to happen once every so often for something to grow out of it, and if that something turns out to be THE thing, that lasts forever, you'll find yourself remembering all the unrequited loves you used to have, and wondering why on earth you pined over them, because THIS, this much better thing, was waiting all along!

And you know I'm telling the truth, because you've seen it. You've seen people who have had no luck in love suddenly find "the one" and live happily ever after. And it's going to happen to you.

I repeat, it's going to happen. And I'm not saying that because I'm a positive thinker, or because I believe in soul mates, or destiny, or THE ALMIGHTY POWERS OF TRUE LOVE CONQUERING ALL. I'm saying it because most people do fall in love and live happily ever after, at some point. And I believe in statistics, and the law of averages.

So it will happen, you'll find that guy you're crazy about who likes you just as much. But remember, a watched pot never boils, so stop looking for him! Stop waiting and pining, and get out there and enjoy being free and single as much as possible while you still can!

And maybe lay off the caffeinated drinks a little bit.

Much love,

The Very Rational Wendy.


What an angry lady!
If you would also like to vent at me, or even better tell me how fabulous I am, or in fact ask me a question (preferably with a relationshipy theme) email me at wendytellsitlikeitis@hotmail.co.uk

The Wanderer Returns

Hello my beautiful ones! My apologies, I have been off being fantastic for the past few days, and I have neglected you! I hope this post makes up for it - we have a follow up from the foxy lady who was abandoned by her foolish boyfriend...

Dear Wendy:

HELP!! I don't know what to do. I read your advice and i was determined to close that page of my life forever. But then i check my facebook profile and Sandy wrote something on it. I will put his words here

"Dearest dearest Flore. I'm so so sorry! What can I say? I've been a complete idiot..
I went to the airport to catch my direct flight to the isle of man - I didn't tell Jenny because I wanted to suprise her.. I had a terrible time checking in. The man behind the desk didn't even look at me, and served everyone else first!
Anyway, I went to the bathroom, and as I was washing my hands I happened to glance in the mirror, and saw to my shock that there was NO REFLECTION. Well, naturally I panicked and assumed I was a vampire. So in order to keep you safe from the evil that I had become, I decided to change my flight, and fly to deepest darkest Peru.Of course, as I was changing my flight I remembered I was invisible, not a vampire, and felt like a moron. But then I started thinking - Flor deserves better than a moron. Flor deserves better than an invisible boyfriend. I thought about all the times we had gone out for dinner and the waiter thought you were on your own, or all those times we went to the cinema and people tried to sit on me, and I felt so ashamed!
So i ran anyway. I knew you wouldn't listen to me, so i thought the easiest thing for us both was if I disappeared (no pun intended) completely. I didn't even tell Jenny Elliott where I was going because I knew she would tell you, or try and get me to come back.
Of course, after 2 months, I realised that now I've met you, life isn't worth living without you. I know you deserve someone you're not ashamed to be seen with in public, but I realise that should be your choice, not mine. And if you tell me to leave, that's fine. But I will do anything it takes to get you to forgive me Flore.
Because... I love you.
Sandy."

What i'm going to do?? I really love him but i think that you are right in some point. I'm not answering Sandy until i receive your advice!

Please, i will be waiting!

 

From Lady-In-Waiting"

 

 

Dear Lady-In-Waiting,

 

My goodness gracious, he's come back! Well, that is a good start.

 

But let's not forget, he left. He may have left under special circumstances, but none the less, he left you, and made you feel rejected and upset. NO ONE is allowed to do that to you and get away with it.

 

But like I said, he's made the first step, and your choice now is whether you will accept his apology or not. I think the first thing you have to do is question his motivation for coming back and professing his love.

 

The problem is, that usually, a disappearing man's pattern of thought looks a little like this:

 

 

It's possible (and I'm afraid to say, probable) that this stupid man sees you as his fall back girl, the easy option, the one who will always be there for him when no one else wants him. And then, next time he think he's got a better option, he will just leave again.

 

YOU ARE NOBODY'S FALL BACK GIRL.

YOU ARE NOT A CONSOLATION PRIZE. YOU ARE ONLY FOR THE WINNERS.

 

And as such, you should be with someone who sees you as the top prize.

 

So how do we know if your man is for real, that he means what he says? If he really loves you, and thinks you are the one for him, he will make an effort. If you're worried that he's only coming back to you because you're the easy option, then don't make it easy. He knows what he's done is wrong, so he should know that he can't just walk back into your life. He has to earn your trust again, and your love.

 

So don't accept his first apology. Don't accept his second. If he keeps waiting for you, and telling you he wants you - in short, if he keeps trying to win you back, even though it's HARD - then you can start believing what he's saying. If he makes big gestures, is willing to talk through problems and listen to how you're feeling, and he wants to do everything he can to make up for his HUGE MISTAKE, then I think you two have a future.

 

If he gets bored after a couple of days, or goes off you when he realises he has to work for you, then his apology isn't worth the paper it's written on, and I suggest you forget him as quickly as he forgot you. Because out there, somewhere, is someone wo is willing to fight for you.

 

I would do it, but I only have tiny frog arms, and they are no good in a fight.

 

With love,

 

Wendy The Hard To Get Frog.

A Land Far Far Away

This is all rather exciting, not only am I receiving your questions via email, I'm now getting questions on behalf of others! Here's one I got yesterday from a girl concerned about her mopey friend.

“Dear Wendy

(this letter is on behalf of a very good friend of mine, who I think is in need of your advice.)

I recently came back home after a long time away in a far distant country. While I was there I met (and fell in love with) a man, who seemed lovely.

Now I'm back home he doesn't seem to want to contact me all that much.

All I seem to be doing is thinking about him and crying over him.

He makes me feel awful about myself.

I know that we now live in different countries, but why can't I forget about him?

Don't you think I should email him again? Just to find out why?

Don't I deserve an explanation as to why he doesn't love me?

What harm could come out of a little email like that?

Lots of love

'Too stupid to realise that men are idiots and that my friends love me very much and don't want to see me waste anymore of my super-foxiness on some wanking wombat'”

Dear TSTRTMAIATMFLMVMADWTSMWAOMSFOSWW,

Goodness gracious, your name is a bit of mouthful, isn’t it? Let me first congratulate you on your choice of friends, Miss Too Stupid! They are clearly a very smart breed, and perhaps you should listen to them a bit more often! Although, if you did that, I would be out of a job…

There are so many problems with falling in love in a land far, far away – because you’re not at home, everything has that “holiday hue” no matter how long you’ve been there. Everything is easy, everyone can be trusted, and nothing bad can happen. Right?

So far so good – but the trouble with holiday romances (even if it wasn’t technically a holiday) is that they weren’t made to continue existing when you go home. You either have to go full kilter for a long distance relationship (you’ll have to wait and see for my opinions on those!), or you just have to call it quits. If you try anything else, you’re just prolonging the inevitable. Harsh facts my darling, sorry.

Another harsh fact for you. Men (and women) often get involved with travellers, because they know they’re leaving! No strings attached, you can do what you want, say what you like, and there are no consequences…

Speaking of which. Be careful of this “L” word, ESPECIALLY when using it with people who don’t speak your language all that often. Because “I love you” has a big impact when we say it, but do you feel the same rush of emotions if you say “Je t’aime” or “Te amo” or “Ich liebe dich”? No, because somehow, translating them dampens the effect. So, I could quite easily say to a French frog “Je t’aime” without really feeling that I love him, just because it’s exciting to say these things in an ‘exotic’ language. (Incidentally, I am referring to the fact that I am a frog, and therefore only chat up other frogs – I am not insulting the French!).

So, sweetie, that concludes why this guy may not be staying in contact. The truth hurts, and the truth is, he may well not have meant the things he said, and perhaps he isn’t contacting you because he’s not thinking of you at all?

So, do we really want to waste our time thinking (and worse, crying) about someone ho doesn’t think about us? No. No we don’t. And we certainly don’t want to waste our time emailing him. What answer could you possibly be hoping for when you ask “why don’t you love me?” Will any of these make you feel better?

• You’re too fat
• Your laugh is annoying
• You’re a terrible singer
• You can’t drive
• I hate your friends
• You make me vomit when I think of you

Probably not. It’s easy to glamorise someone who is far away, because you forget their bad points and it’s easy to make excuses for their behaviour. But if you ask me (which you technically didn’t), your friend is right. This guy is truly a wanking wombat. So let’s knock him off that pedestal! Think of yourself, think of your friends, think of repetitive strain injury, and for heaven’s sake – STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD!

Much love,

Wendy.

A Little Thank You!

Hello my lovely lovelies!

I just wanted to say how excited I am that so many of you are reading my fantastic advice (although it's only to be expected, it is truly amazing). Especially whoever is viewing this from Singapore - who are you??

Also thank you for your emails, I will answer every single one, I promise! If you want to ask me anything, or yell at me, or suggest something, then send me a message to wendytellsitlikeitis@hotmail.co.uk

Hope you're all having a simply marvellous evening!

Wendy.

Transparent Behaviour

"My Dear Wendy:

I am very very lost. I don't know what to think about this situation i'm in so i hope you can light my way and let me find an answer.

I'm in a relationship with a guy (Sandy Wich) for more than 4 months. A common friend (Jenny, i think you know her) introduced us and it was just magic. I'm really in love with him and i thought that he was in love with me as well. But now i'm not sure.

We went on holidays together and it was beautiful. We were living together at my parents house but it was the first time that we travel and stayed alone for that much time. And when we came back to Buenos Aires Sandy decided that he wanted to come back to England to see our Jenny (they lived together for ages, like brother and sister). So he took a flight a week ago and i don't have news since then. I talked to our friend and she said that he never called her. So i don't know where he is, or if he's planing to come back.

Can you tell me what happend? He freak out? Her friend is liyng to me and he's there? He doesn't love me anymore and he couldn't say that to me so he ran away? Something bad happend to him??

I'm desperate!

Please answer me!!!

The Invisible Girlfriend

PD: i add a photo of the two of us so you'll see how happy we looked (he is the one with the hat).

PD2: sorry, my english is rubbish”

Dear Invisible Girlfriend,

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Well, I’m afraid that disappearing off the face of the earth is clearer than an email with big bold letters that says “I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU”. Because, if he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t be ignoring your calls and messages.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but this man sounds like a tool. A complete and utter prat. He has left you all on your own, without so much as bothering to say goodbye. I mean, what could his excuse be? What would you reasonably accept? Can you think of one valid reason? There are only four excusable reasons for this in my book:

1.     He is a secret agent/witness to a terrible crime, and has had to disappear in order to stay undercover and ultimately make the world a better place.

2.     He has been taken hostage and/or imprisoned in a Russian or Turkish jail.

3.     He is dead.

4.     He is a supernatural being (e.g. vampire or werewolf) and has had to disappear for your own protection.

And even then, if he really loved you, nothing would stop him getting a message to you. It seems he has abandoned you and your friend to worry about you (I don’t believe she is keeping secrets, because, let’s face it, Jenny can’t keep secrets), and the best thing you can do is stop wasting another second on him! He didn’t give you a second thought, so don’t give him one either! Think about how fabulous you are, and how fantastic it is that you have an opportunity to find a guy who doesn’t disappear on you, that you can see whenever you like, and has a far more sensible name than “Sandy Wich”.

And if he ever comes crawling back, realising what he lost? I would expect some serious, and I mean SERIOUS grovelling before you even consider forgiving him!

With love,

The Very-Much-Here Wendy.

Give Us Some Credit!

“Dear Wendy the clever, clever frog,

I’ve been seeing this guy quite consistently for a few weeks now, but recently I went on holiday for a week. We had no contact while I was gone, so I sent him text when I got home just to let him know I was back. I never received a reply, but three days later I bumped into him in the street, and he told me he was so happy I was home, and the only reason he hadn’t texted me back was because he didn’t have any credit. He asked if I want to meet up sometime.  I mean, that’s ok, isn’t it Wendy? Not having credit is a good excuse for not being in contact! I don’t want to be one of those clingy girls who demand attention constantly. What do you think?

From the Lady-In-Waiting”

Dear Lady-In-Waiting,

YAWN!!!!!

I am so so SO tired of this excuse – “I didn’t have any credit”. This is clearly the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Let me ask you something Lady – have you ever seen a text from a guy that you really liked and thought “Damn, I don’t have credit… Guess I will just have to wait until I see them in the street!”

Obviously you haven’t. When you hear from someone you’re excited about, you may: attempt (and usually fail) to wait a couple of hours before replying so you don’t seem too eager; spend a couple of hours constructing an intelligent, humorous, and off-the-cuff sounding answer; panic that you don’t have credit, contemplate using a friend’s phone, realising that would be a little silly, and go online to get some credit. You don’t wait THREE DAYS before attempting contact.

The trouble is, guys (and girls, I’m afraid) use this excuse ALL THE TIME. And it is wearying. Why do we think that it is a valid excuse? Especially these days, when most people have access to the internet and therefore either have the means to send a facebook message, or, here’s a thought – top up their phone online!

In the space of three days, a man might need milk, a newspaper, cigarettes, juice, bread, a book about planes, a pen, logs for the fire, coffee, eggs, shoelaces, shoes, a notebook – the list goes on. And if he has needed any of these things, he has gone to the shop. A shop where, incidentally, you can buy phone credit. If he is unaware of this fact, he is not fit to own a mobile phone.

If a guy says he didn’t text you because he ‘didn’t have credit’, he is essentially saying “Sorry darling, you’re not worth turning my computer on, or taking the 20 metre walk to the corner shop.” Which means he’s not worth another second of your time or energy.

With love,

An Exasperated Wendy.

Back To Start

Oooh well look at this! My first letter!

"Oh wise and lovely wendy,

My ex-fiance was a bit of a piss-midget and ended up leaving.

Even though I know he's horrible - I still love him!

Why? What if I never find anyone else? Is it not easier to hang on to the hope that he'll change his mind and come back, rather than go through all the 'meeting new people, first date, second date etc'.

What if the new people don't want to stay either?

Help!

 

From Miss Havisham-in-training"

 

Dear Miss HIT,

 

I know darling. It hurts. It feels like someone has just reached into you and started pulling out the little pink squishy bits that you need to live. You had your whole life planned out, and sorted, and suddenly it's as if you've landed on the "Back to the start" sqaure on the boardgame of life. People tell you that you have to move on with your life, but the don't understand - he WAS your life. It sucks, right?

 

But let's think about this for a minute. If he does change his mind, is this really the kind of guy you want to be with? As a wise man once said, don't forget this is the same guy who looked at you, everything you are, and everything you had togther and said "meh, not for me." Because, my dearest, you are awesome. You are fantastic, and pretty, and lovely. And you are so fanatastic, that if a man is stupid enough to not spot it the first time round, he is not worth a second chance. You could wait around for him to test the water and realise that, yes, after all, you the best thing that could happen to him... But let me tell you, I've never enjoyed the waiting game.

 

Meeting people is hard though! You have to dress up, talk to new people, try and be witty.. My goodness, it's so much effort! Or... Let's look at it a different way. You get to dress up when you go out, for no other reason than to look and feel great. You can talk to whoever you want, flirt as much as you like, without feeling bad. You can be the best of your sparkly self, make new first impressions. And, the best thing? You get to go on dates, get those butterflies in your stomach when someone you like starts talking to you, and you get the excitment of shiny newness! First kisses, first dates, first time they meet your friends... You have all these things to look forward to! Yay!

 

And at the end of these new happy first things - there will be a man who looks at you, and thinks, "Wow! I'm with YOU and you are GREAT!"

 

This is why I dont believe you are a Miss Havisham - you are a Miss HIT! And I just feel happy for the male species that a gift like you is back on the market.

 

Much love,

 

The Fabulous Wendy.

The Truth Hurts

Hello darlings!
I'm Wendy, the wide mouthed frog, and I am here to tell it like it is.

Why you ask?

The way I see it, women are generally sensible. We can be logical, give very good advice, we know when to talk and when to shut up, and we can spot a bad situation a mile off. The only trouble is, that the majority of us suffer a massive blind spot when it comes to our own lives. Especially our love lives.

And no one wants to be that friend. When everyone else is sat around a crying girl saying "He's intimidated by you, that's all!", or "It's nothing to do with you if he's married or not", or "Maybe he didn't have any credit?", no one wants to be the one to clear their throat and say "Well, actually... he's an asshole/he doesn't like you (or even worse).. you're being the bad guy". You just don't want to say that sort of thing to your friends.

Well my sweeties, that's why I'm here. Because I talk far too much, and I'm not afraid to tell you the truth. Ever. So please, feel free to email with your questions and problems, it's what I subsist on! My address is wendytellsitlikeitis@hotmail.co.uk

I'd like to mention the wonderful Greg Behrendt here - the genius who brought us He's Just Not That Into You. "Of course!" We all thought as we read it. "It's so obvious! Never again will I let a man fool me in this way!" And naturally, it's easier said than done. People have often expressed that they wish they had a little Greg around constantly to tell them how fantastic they are, and how certain men are not worth it - and I am to be that little Greg! Except I'm a frog. Called Wendy.