A Land Far Far Away

This is all rather exciting, not only am I receiving your questions via email, I'm now getting questions on behalf of others! Here's one I got yesterday from a girl concerned about her mopey friend.

“Dear Wendy

(this letter is on behalf of a very good friend of mine, who I think is in need of your advice.)

I recently came back home after a long time away in a far distant country. While I was there I met (and fell in love with) a man, who seemed lovely.

Now I'm back home he doesn't seem to want to contact me all that much.

All I seem to be doing is thinking about him and crying over him.

He makes me feel awful about myself.

I know that we now live in different countries, but why can't I forget about him?

Don't you think I should email him again? Just to find out why?

Don't I deserve an explanation as to why he doesn't love me?

What harm could come out of a little email like that?

Lots of love

'Too stupid to realise that men are idiots and that my friends love me very much and don't want to see me waste anymore of my super-foxiness on some wanking wombat'”

Dear TSTRTMAIATMFLMVMADWTSMWAOMSFOSWW,

Goodness gracious, your name is a bit of mouthful, isn’t it? Let me first congratulate you on your choice of friends, Miss Too Stupid! They are clearly a very smart breed, and perhaps you should listen to them a bit more often! Although, if you did that, I would be out of a job…

There are so many problems with falling in love in a land far, far away – because you’re not at home, everything has that “holiday hue” no matter how long you’ve been there. Everything is easy, everyone can be trusted, and nothing bad can happen. Right?

So far so good – but the trouble with holiday romances (even if it wasn’t technically a holiday) is that they weren’t made to continue existing when you go home. You either have to go full kilter for a long distance relationship (you’ll have to wait and see for my opinions on those!), or you just have to call it quits. If you try anything else, you’re just prolonging the inevitable. Harsh facts my darling, sorry.

Another harsh fact for you. Men (and women) often get involved with travellers, because they know they’re leaving! No strings attached, you can do what you want, say what you like, and there are no consequences…

Speaking of which. Be careful of this “L” word, ESPECIALLY when using it with people who don’t speak your language all that often. Because “I love you” has a big impact when we say it, but do you feel the same rush of emotions if you say “Je t’aime” or “Te amo” or “Ich liebe dich”? No, because somehow, translating them dampens the effect. So, I could quite easily say to a French frog “Je t’aime” without really feeling that I love him, just because it’s exciting to say these things in an ‘exotic’ language. (Incidentally, I am referring to the fact that I am a frog, and therefore only chat up other frogs – I am not insulting the French!).

So, sweetie, that concludes why this guy may not be staying in contact. The truth hurts, and the truth is, he may well not have meant the things he said, and perhaps he isn’t contacting you because he’s not thinking of you at all?

So, do we really want to waste our time thinking (and worse, crying) about someone ho doesn’t think about us? No. No we don’t. And we certainly don’t want to waste our time emailing him. What answer could you possibly be hoping for when you ask “why don’t you love me?” Will any of these make you feel better?

• You’re too fat
• Your laugh is annoying
• You’re a terrible singer
• You can’t drive
• I hate your friends
• You make me vomit when I think of you

Probably not. It’s easy to glamorise someone who is far away, because you forget their bad points and it’s easy to make excuses for their behaviour. But if you ask me (which you technically didn’t), your friend is right. This guy is truly a wanking wombat. So let’s knock him off that pedestal! Think of yourself, think of your friends, think of repetitive strain injury, and for heaven’s sake – STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD!

Much love,

Wendy.